


I'm Still Haunted By Your Touch

by Jonnorpost



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Break Up, Five Years Later, M/M, Secret Relationship, college jonnor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-08
Updated: 2016-03-08
Packaged: 2018-05-25 14:52:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6199342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jonnorpost/pseuds/Jonnorpost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five years after Jude and Connor's Skype break up, they've both moved on with their lives, and are convinced they'll never see each other again, when an unexpected run in brings back old feelings. How will they deal with these feelings and how far will they go to keep their history a secret?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SxDxB](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SxDxB/gifts).



> Hello! So because of where Jonnor was left on the show, I'm gonna spend the rest of my life writing fanfiction. I'd like to say a HUGE thank you to SxDxB for helping me along the way with writing this, and for giving me amazing ideas! <3

Jude hit answer on Connor's Skype request and made himself comfortable, placing a pillow on his lap to put his laptop on.

"Hey," Connor beamed once he appeared on screen.

"Hi." Jude gave a small smile and took in Connor's features, noticing how there were subtle changes in his appearance. It had been too long since they'd actually seen each other. Most of their conversations since Connor moved had been over over text, with the exception of a few phone calls.

"How was the party?" Connor asked. Jude was relieved that there was no malice in his voice when he'd asked, since when he'd texted Connor to tell him he would have to postpone their visit, Connor was short with his replies, and Jude assumed he was at the very least, annoyed with him.

"It was okay," he shrugged. "How was homecoming?"

"We won," Connor told him with a grin on his face.

"That's great." Jude hoped he sounded more sincere than he was.

"I wish you'd been there." He sounded genuinely sad, but still Jude had to ask, "do you _really_?"

Connor looked taken aback by that. "Well yeah of course. I mean, I invited you!" He reminded.

"Cause you never come down to San Diego," Jude pointed out, keeping his tone as far from argumentative as he could manage.

"I have games on the weekends."

Of course Jude knew this. Connor made sure to always remind him of his football games and practices, and a common excuse for not being able to talk was hanging out with the team. It was always about the team, and Jude couldn't help but feel as if he'd lost part of Connor to them. They always seemed to take priority.

"You didn't _have_ to sign up for football and soccer..."

"Wh-what are you- What's going on?"

_Here we go_ , Jude thought, preparing himself for what was about to come. "It's just so hard... I mean we barely ever talk."

"We text all the time, Jude!" Connor exclaimed.

Jude had to resist the urge to roll his eyes. "Texting is not a real conversation."

Jude heard Connor sigh as an obvious look of discomfort crossed his expression. "Is this ... Is this about the picture that I sent you?"

"No. I mean sort of..." He looked down, unable to look at Connor as he spoke. "I just didn't know why you sent it." When Connor didn't respond, Jude looked at the screen again and asked, "are you trying to say you wanna have sex?" He felt his heart skip and pick up pace, suddenly nervous.

"No," Connor blurted before stuttering, "I well - I mean, I don't know. You know a lot of the guys on the team, they send those pictures to their girlfriends and I thought you might like it."

Jude looked away again out of embarrassment. And while he tried not to blush, his face felt hot as he said, "it's not that I didn't like it... I just didn't know what it meant." He caught Connor's embarrassed apologetic look and paused before finally saying something he'd been holding back for a while. "Do you ever think that .. Maybe the only reason why we got together, was because we were the only two gay boys in our grade?"

With an unsteady voice, Connor asked, "do you think that?" Jude couldn't answer him. "We were friends first," he continued, sounding even closer to tears.

"I guess that's the problem," Jude said quietly. "You don't feel like my friend anymore."

It was a painful confession, but ever since Connor had moved away, it felt like they were hardly connected. Just two people struggling to keep up with a long distance relationship. And to be fair, Jude thought that maybe the reason Connor felt it was necessary to send him a suggestive picture, was because it was his attempt to keep their relationship going, and to possibly connect on a new level. Jude had heard enough at school to know that it was common for young couples to rush into sex as a way to remain close in a relationship. But Jude just wasn't willing to rush, even if it was what Connor wanted.

"Okay well what do you wanna do?" Connor asked before the inevitable question came right after. "Jude, do you wanna break up?"

Jude found himself wanting to say maybe. He really did love Connor, but he had to consider how realistic it was for them to continue this long distance relationship, when it was clearly such a struggle.

"Do _you_?" He had to know how Connor felt before they came to a decision.

Connor was quiet for a moment too long before shaking his head and looking down. "No."

"You hesitated."

When Connor looked back at Jude, he could see the tear streaks on Connor's face, and he felt his heart sink.

"I don't want to, but I feel like you do and I don't know how to make things better."

_Come home_ , was the only thing Jude could think to say, but he couldn't. "I don't either."

"You don't what?" Connor asked.

"I don't want to break up, but I don't know how to make things better." Neither of them said anything for what felt like minutes, when it was probably only a few seconds. "I'm scared..."

"What about?" Connor breathed.

"This ends badly whether we break up now or not. I'm scared that if we don't, things will just get harder to handle, and then ..." Jude stopped himself from voicing his biggest fear of all this.

"What is it?" Connor asked so softly and caring, Jude felt his eyes brimming with tears and he tried to blink them back.

"I'm scared that when we break up, I'm going to close my laptop and never see you again."

"Jude..." Connor whispered. And hearing his name sound so broken was enough to unravel him completely, tears falling on to his shirt. "Jude, no... I wouldn't let that happen."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

Despite his promise, Jude still found himself trying to memorize everything he possibly could about Connor. The way he looks, the way his voice sounds, the way he grinned at him when they had first started the Skype call.

"So are we ... Are we breaking up?" Connor asked.

Jude only nodded, but he didn't need to say it out loud. Connor knew. "I'm sorry, Connor." Jude had honestly never seen Connor look quite so hurt before.

"Yeah... Me too."

"I should probably get back to .. Everyone," Jude mumbled.

"Yeah, okay. Goodnight, Jude."

Jude could see Connor try to smile, but it didn't last long enough to really count. "Bye, Connor."

And Jude's biggest fear came true. When he closed his laptop, he never saw Connor again.

 

 

  
*Five*Years*Later*

It was Jude's first day at college and even though he was nervous, he was thrilled.

"Mom, really, I've got it from here," Jude laughed, trying to take the rest of his bags from her.

Stef dropped the bags and turned to Lena, "hear that, love? Our baby doesn't need us anymore."

"Well that's it, we've lost them all now," Lena sighed.

"You do realize you haven't lost any of us, right?" Jude teased while dragging everything over to his side of the room. Or what he assumed would be his side of the room, since he'd been the first one to get to the dorm.

"It'll just be momma and me, all alone in our big empty house, with no kids," Stef continued, adding a sniffle for dramatic effect.

"What ever shall we do?" Lena gasped.

Jude watched as Stef pulled Lena closer to her by her waist, smiling at their affection. When Stef kissed Lena and said, "I've got a few ideas." Jude cleared his throat loudly.

"And might I remind you, you're still in my dorm room."

His moms laughed and then Stef took a step away from Lena, taking on her police stance. "Which reminds me, young man, you're going to be alone here. Momma and I expect you'll behave yourself."

Jude rolled his eyes, turning around and tossing the last bag on to his bed. "First of all, I won't be alone, I'll have a roommate, and second of all ... It'd be pretty hard to do anything while my boyfriend is still back home in San Diego." He sat down on the unmade bed and sighed heavily.

"Yes, love, and we all know what goes on in college, so all I'm asking is that you're safe, and responsible, and make sure that you go to class."

"Got it," Jude nodded. He wondered how many times they'd given this speech, seeing as how he was the last of his siblings to go to college. He wanted to be difficult, but decided they'd leave sooner if he just went along with everything.

"Good, now come here Bubba," Lena beckoned. Jude stood up again and walked into his moms open arms to be hugged by both of them. "We are so proud of you, sweetie."

"Thanks, momma."

"Now remember, we'll drive up here for absolutely anything, alright? You let us know if you need anything," Stef told him, although he already knew that.

"I know, I will," Jude promised.

After another minute or so of just standing in the middle of the room hugging, a knock at the door made them pull away to look at whoever was knocking.

"Hey, sorry to interrupt, I'm Damien, I believe I'll be your new roommate," the tall brunette grinned politely at him. His physique was similar to Jude's, though Damien appeared to be a little more filled out than him. His hair was shaggy, but styled in a purposely messy way.

Jude stepped away from his moms to introduce himself. "Hi, I'm Jude."

"Cool name, Jude. Well, I'm just gonna put my stuff down and I'll be out of your way." He was still smiling, which made Jude feel a little relived to know his roommate wasn't some douche bag.

"Oh, we were just leaving," Lena said.

Damien nodded and then began putting his stuff down on his bed. Jude hugged his moms once more. "We love you so much."

"I love you too, moms." Jude noticed Damien glance over after he said 'moms' but he didn't appear bothered.

"Should we get going?" Stef asked Lena sadly.

"I guess so."

"Alright, love you're all good?"

"Yep, all set."

"Okay, we're gonna go, but make sure you call us!"

"Mom, it's okay, I'll be fine," Jude said, trying to get her to calm down. "And of course I'll call."

"Bye Jude, we love you!"

"I love you too!"

And then they were finally on their way out, and Jude shut the door behind them, sighing good naturedly.

"So, moms huh?" Damien asked.

"Yeah..." Jude drew out the word as a question.

"Hey that's cool man, I've got two uncles. They're pretty great."

Jude smiled at that. "Cool, so uh.." Jude rubbed the back of his neck, still leaning against the door. "You won't mind me having my boyfriend visit then?"

Damien's eyebrows drew together like it was a stupid question, and Jude had a split second of regret before Damien just said, "nah dude, of course not! As long as you're cool with me being a forever-aloner and probably eating all your snacks."

Jude thought of his siblings, particularly Jesus, who always ate everyone's snacks whether they were his or not. The two burst out laughing and Jude appreciated how comfortable he felt around Damien. "Yeah, I'm sure that'll be fine. I grew up in a big family, so I'll survive having a snack stealing roommate."

"Perfect! It's like we're brothers already," Damien exclaimed. He still hadn't lost the goofy grin, and Jude could tell he and Damien would get along well. "So listen, if you want, let's get settled, unpack our shit, and then go around campus and introduce ourselves a little. Gotta figure out where the parties are early, you know?"

"Right, sure. Sounds good," Jude agreed and went back over to his side of the room to start unpacking.

 

 

After they'd managed to unpack and put everything away, they left the room together to start introducing themselves to other freshmen. As they left their dorm, they noticed the dorm next to theirs had the door open just slightly.

"Oh look, let's knock," Damien suggested.

Jude shrugged and went along with him. Damien knocked on the door and shouted "room service!"

A moment later, the door swung open, revealing a smiling, shirtless, tan boy with dirty blonde hair. The moment Jude saw him, his heart literally dropped into his stomach and he felt like it could be seen or heard. His face went completely blank.

"About damn -" the boy locked eyes with Jude. "Time..." Suddenly, his smile was replaced with the same blank expression.

It may have been five years since they'd seen each other, but Jude would recognize Connor Stevens anywhere, no matter how much time had passed.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, here's chapter two! Quick apologies for it being a little later than I'd intended, but I'm looking forward to your feedback! Buckle up, it's gonna be intense ;)

Jude just stood there, completely shocked. He had no idea how he should feel, or what to say. He wanted to just walk away, or declare the whole thing as some big joke, but he was frozen in place, staring at Connor Stevens. The boy who he'd been absolutely sure he'd never see or hear from again.

Connor's expression seemed to neutralize quickly and an awkward smile grew upon his face again. Jude knew that smile. It hadn't changed. "Um.." He averted his eyes from Jude to Damien, "I guess you're not room service," he laughed nervously.

"Nope, sorry man they don't do that here, I checked," Damien said.

"Well hey, I'm Connor, you guys wanna come in?" He opened the door wider, gesturing them to come in.

_Absolutely not!_ Jude wanted to say, but of course, he couldn't. Damien had no idea what went on between them five years ago, and he wasn't about to go down that road now so he let Damien decide.

"Oh sure, we were just planning on going around campus and introducing ourselves a bit actually. I'm Damien," he introduced himself with a pleasant grin.

Connor stepped aside to let them in and once inside, he closed the door. "Nice to meet you, Damien." He turned to Jude. "And who's your friend?"

Jude frowned unintentionally. There's no way he couldn't know, especially after the way Connor looked at him when he first opened the door. How could he forget? But there was a lot that Jude never expected from Connor, so perhaps he really didn't remember him. "Jude," he said quietly, looking him in the eyes and wondering if his name still meant anything to Connor.

Connor just nodded. "Hey Jude," he said softly, eyes not leaving his. Jude tried to read him, but after so much time had passed, he didn't know Connor anymore and he just wasn't able to tell what he was thinking. His thoughts weren't as clear to Jude as they used to be. One look could almost always tell him everything he needed to know, but not anymore. "Uh, do you guys want anything to drink?" He asked, finally looking away.

Jude just shook his head, "no thanks." He tried his best to not let how he was feeling show on his face. This wasn't easy though, since even he had no idea what he was feeling. All he could think of was the pain Connor put him through when they were fourteen, and how hurt he was now that five years was all it took to erase everything they once had.

"Did you get here early? Man we just got our stuff unpacked, how do you already have the fridge stocked?" Damien laughed. "I'll take whatever."

Connor smiled and turned to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. He tossed it and Damien caught it, thanking him. "I came in early from LA and, well it was this or staying at a motel so..." He laughed. Jude kept noticing Connor stealing glances at him and it frustrated him to not know what Connor was thinking. "So Damien, where are you from?"

"Florida," he answered quickly, unscrewing the lid on the water bottle. "Jude, where'd you say you were from again?" Damien asked.

"San Diego." He kept his expression as neutral as possible; first impressions were still important with his roommate and he didn't want to alarm him by acting strangely. He definitely wouldn't be able to explain himself to Damien. He threw on a forced smile and turned to Connor. He was gonna play this up. "So, Connor, LA huh? What's it like?"

Connor looked slightly uncomfortable for a moment before smiling again. "Yep, LA. It's pretty great. People are really laid back there ... Accepting. And there are some pretty hot guys in LA, so that's a bonus," he smirked at him.

Jude went rigid. It was ridiculous to feel jealous about the comment, especially now. He had a boyfriend for Christ's sake. "That must be nice." He hoped to sound more convincing than he felt.

Connor raised an eyebrow and said, "m'hm, and not just good looking... Pretty damn good in the bed department too." He kept his eyes on Jude as he said that.

Jude furrowed his eyebrows, wanting to counter something about his own boyfriend being great in bed, but he figured Damien wouldn't want to hear it. He settled for a more appropriate response. "If I didn't have a boyfriend, I'd say sign me up."

"Oh." Connor nodded and Jude could've sworn he saw a flash of jealousy. Ridiculous. "That's why I stay single..." He added, giving him a pointed glance.

"Huh, interesting..." Damien mumbled, eyeing the two. "You two are the first guys I meet here and you're both gay." He was smiling and Jude knew he didn't have a problem with it, so he shrugged it off.

Connor looked to Damien laughing, "maybe you're just secretly gay," he said playfully.

Damien choked. "Nah dude, unfortunately I'm just a boring straight guy."

"Anyway..." Connor turned and tugged a shirt on. "You wanna grab something to eat?" He asked. "And don't worry, I'm not hitting on you, boring straight guy," he teased, smiling at him. "Or am I? Who knows... You'd be surprised at how many straight guys I've met who ... Aren't that straight." He looked back at Jude, giving him a wink.

Damien looked to Jude. "Uh, well we were just going to explore campus a bit, but hey that works." He paused, looking like he was about say something else. "And," he raised a finger in the air, pointing at Connor, "been with a guy before. Wasn't my thing," he laughed softly.

"You have?" Jude asked, a little surprised.

Damien shrugged. "Sure, I mean everyone's entitled to experiment, right? Ah high school..." He sighed.

Connor laughed. "Well you tried." He shrugged. "So, I can drive if that's good with you two?"

"Sounds good," Damien said, looking to Jude. Jude smiled at him, hoping he still wasn't showing his feelings. _Feelings, god it's been five years, get over it,_ he told himself. But when he looked at Connor, right there in front of him, all he could think of was the fact that the last time they'd actually seen each other in person, they'd been boyfriends. Happy, naïve, and in love. Unaware of all the things that would go wrong...

"I'm thinking Chinese, who's down?" Connor asked on their way out. Neither Jude nor Damien had any protests about it.

Once they got to Connor's truck, Damien pushed Jude to go in first, declaring that he was the smallest between the three of them. Jude gave a displeased look after that comment but shrugged, "that's fair." He climbed up to sit in the middle seat between Connor and Damien.

Jude mostly tuned out the conversation between them, wondering how the hell he got roped into this and how Connor would be his neighbor. He was glad when he felt his phone buzz, and he flipped it over in his hands to see who was texting him. He definitely caught Connor trying to peek at his phone. _Subtle..._

**Nick:** Miss you already <3 hope you're having a good time though babe.

He quickly tapped out a reply  
**Jude:** Miss you too <3 it's been good so far, just got unpacked.

He locked his phone and turned it over again, looking back up at the road in front of them. Jude felt Connor's eyes on him again and he refused to look back at him. "That your boyfriend?" Connor asked.

Jude almost told him to mind his own damn business, but instead he just nodded, smiling. "Yep."

Not long after, they were getting out of Connor's truck and being seated in the restaurant. Of course Jude was stuck in the middle again. He had just started looking at the menu after Damien excused himself to go to the bathroom when his phone buzzed again, displaying Nick's reply.

**Nick:** Great! You'll have to call me later and tell me all about it :)

Jude certainly wasn't going to tell him his ex boyfriend from five years ago had turned out to be his neighbor. Just as he was about to reply, Connor reached over and snatched his phone from him, smirking. "Nick, huh? That's your boyfriend?" He asked, sounding amused.

Jude grabbed his phone back, elbowing him in the ribs. "What the fuck, Connor?" He demanded. Without thinking, he turned to him and said "you'd think that after five years, you would've grown up!" He froze. So much for pretending they didn't know each other.

Connor raised an eyebrow, looking stunned and a little taken aback. "And you'd think that after five years you would've grown out of being a little bitch."

Jude gaped at him. He thought back to the day Connor had first called him that, and it still stung a little to hear him say it now. "You know what, Connor, go fuck yourself." Jude had never expected to see Connor again, but he definitely wouldn't have expected that if he did, it would be like this.

"Yeah, you'd like that wouldn't you?" He replied as if it were a joke to him. "How about you tell your boyfriend that you happened to have run into your first boyfriend, huh? Or you know, you could also tell him while you're at it, that the first dick you ever saw was your first boyfriend's." He looked at him, challenging him.

Jude was completely speechless. He wanted to tell Connor that he hadn't changed, but that wasn't true; Connor had changed. Connor had become a bitter asshole and Jude had no idea where it came from. "You mean the pathetic picture you texted me when we were fourteen? Right, cause that counts... And you know why I'm not telling my boyfriend you're here? Because..." He paused lowering his voice. "You don't matter to me." His face was just inches from Connor's, but unlike the last time they were this close, they couldn't have been farther apart.

Jude could see Damien coming back from the corner of his eye, and he looked back at the menu. He could practically feel the waves of anger rolling off Connor, but he did his best to ignore it.

Damien took his seat again and Jude could tell that nothing about this must seem like natural behavior for two complete strangers, but he just hoped Damien wouldn't comment on it. "Everything okay?" He asked slowly.

"Yeah," Jude smiled at him. "The menu just kinda sucks. I can't find anything I like."

"Oh, well that's too bad. You wanna split something with me?" Damien asked.

Jude nodded and the waitress came by to take drink orders. A few minutes later, she returned, placing their drinks in front of them. Damien lifted his first and cleared his throat dramatically, getting Jude's and Connor's attention. "I'd like to make a toast. To new beginnings, new opportunities, and the start of a great friendship."

Jude and Connor raised their glasses at the same time. "To new beginnings," Jude said, making eye contact with Connor briefly before smiling back at Damien. They each tapped Damien's glass first, and then each other's.

"To new beginnings," Connor repeated, looking back at Jude. They maintained eye contact as they each took a sip from their glasses.

 

 

After the painfully awkward lunch with Connor, they got back to their dorms and went separate ways. As soon as Jude and Damien sat down, Damien nudged Jude lightly. "So... I know we don't know each other well yet, but can I just ask why you two seemed to have some fierce tension between you?"

Jude whipped his head to look at him and laughed. "We don't... We don't even know each other, he just... Kept making weird comments, and like... Flirting. I don't know, it made me a little uncomfortable." It wasn't exactly a lie, but of course there was much more to it than that.

"Oh come on, he probably likes you or something," Damien said, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Right, and I have a boyfriend back home in San Diego," Jude reminded him.

"He's probably just one of those guys who flirt with anyone, regardless of their relationship status. Don't think too much of it unless he makes a move on ya."

Jude wondered if Connor ever would. Jude certainly wouldn't, but he decided that keeping his distance from him would probably be a good idea.

 

 

The next day, Jude was on his way back to his dorm after finishing his first class, when he was suddenly yanked by the arm. Before he could make any effort to protest, a hand covered Jude's mouth and he was pulled into Connor's dorm. The second he stepped over the threshold, the door was shut and he was pushed hard against the it, faced with intense eyes on him and a hand firm against his shoulder, keeping him in place. "What the hell are you doing?" He choked out.

"Let's get a few things straight here," Connor said, voice low and harsh. "You're the one who broke things off with me, so you don't get to act like the fucking victim here, okay?"

Jude didn't know what to be more surprised by; Connor's harsh tone, or the fact that Connor had just dragged Jude into his room and trapped him so perfectly that it had to have been thought out beforehand.

"I was perfectly fine going along with pretending I never knew you, but obviously that didn't work for you so I'm telling you right now, what happened five years ago is in the past, and I don't care who you date or tell about us, but you better get your story straight."

Jude swallowed dryly. "You do care... You were jealous from the moment you found out I have a boyfriend. Admit it," he pushed.

"I couldn't care less, Jude," Connor breathed, and _Jesus_ hearing his name leave Connor's lips like that sent a chill down his spine.

"Sure, just like I don't give a shit that you turned into some stereotypical LA slut," Jude said with a light but bitter tone. He felt Connor's hand push harder against his shoulder after the words left his mouth.

"Excuse me?" His voice sounded challenging, though it was clear he hadn't expected that. "I'm not a slut," he snapped, keeping his voice impressively low. Jude scoffed and Connor continued, "you know what, I don't give a fuck what you think of me." He sounded convincing if not for the small break in his voice that gave him away. "You think you're better than me, Jude? Really?"

Jude was about to say something else, but he was struck by Connor's words once more. "You're cold. Nothing but a cold, heartless jerk."

Jude closed his eyes momentarily at how Connor had said it so honestly and with no emotion behind it. His words felt more harsh than the hand pressed so firmly on him that he was sure he'd feel the imprint for days after.

And as if it couldn't have been worse, Connor took a step back from him and while looking directly in his eyes, told him, "I wish I never met you... I hate you."

Jude couldn't break. He refused, although he was sure it was written all over his face that he was lying when he said, "the feeling is mutual." He stood still against the door for a moment before placing his hand on the knob and turning it. Before he could open it, he gathered himself enough to say, "and for the record, I never said I was better than you." And just like that, he turned around, opened the door and left...

Connor hating Jude wasn't exactly news to him, but hearing it was nearly soul crushing.

_'I love you, Jude. I promise, we'll make this work,'_ was the last thing Connor had said to him while they were in person, both still in San Diego. And he whole heartedly believed Connor loved him, and he loved Connor.

But now it was just as easy to believe Connor hated him. Of course he did, he never even kept his promise. Any of them. Connor promised that after they broke up, he wouldn't let them become strangers, or never see each other again, but that's exactly what happened.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) hopefully that wasn't too painful, but I promise you things will be different very soon... Let me know what you think so far!


End file.
